Posted by: MOIST | June 24, 2010

Something is rotten in the state of Denmark.

So said Marcellus in Shakespeare’s Hamlet, and the Blue Samurai must be hoping he doth not protest too much. Unfortunately, their performance against Cameroon would suggest they have recovered from the opening match disappointment against the Netherlands and have built momentum before today’s big clash.

Japan, though, are currently in the driving seat. Having only conceded once against the Dutch they lie above the Danes by exactly one goal which means they only need a draw to progress. Denmark, on the other hand, have to come out and play for the win.

Team Played Won Drawn Lost Goals For Goals Against Points
Netherlands 2 2 0 0 3 0 6
Japan 2 1 0 1 1 1 3
Denmark 2 1 0 1 2 3 3
Cameroon 2 0 0 2 1 3 0

 

With Cameroon out of contention and the Netherlands unlikely to lose it is really just second place up for grabs and it all comes down to this one game and a simple equation for Japan: Don’t lose and stay, lose and go home.

So do Japan have what it takes to get a draw with Denmark or will the Danes shatter their dreams?  EAiSA, as you very well know, made it their mission to get the answers.

Most people think that Denmark is only the Little Mermaid, Carlsberg, Hans Christian Andersen and dead scientists. But it’s so much more than that, it’s Lego and TV lesbian Sandi Toksvig, too. Sadly, midget gem comedienne Toksvig was too busy building a 400 piece spaceship to return our calls so EAiSA stepped up it’s game and got you the low down on the high noon (if you live in L.A.) clash.

Three of the biggest names to come out of Denmark tell us who is the Danish pastry who’ll be bringing home the bacon.

Rene Dif: The chubby, bald one from Aqua and left back for FC Kobenhavn.

Japanese danger man: Daisuke Matsui. Okada must be saying to Matsui give me time to reason, give me time to think it through, passing through the season where I cheated you. If only I could turn back time, if only I had said what I still hide, if only I could turn back time, I would have played you more often.

Danish pastry: Nicklas Bendtner. I think in the dressing room Olsen and the team will shout Nicklas Bendtner, Bendtner, calling Nicklas Bendtner, Nicklas Bendtner, Nicklas Bendtner get up now (wake up now). And he will.

Prediction: 2-1 to Denmark. Sorry Japan, it’s come on, Denmark, let’s go party, ah ah ah, yeah. Come on, Denmark, let’s go party, ooh ooh ooh, ooh ooh ooh.

Lars Ulrich: Drummer for Metallica, file-sharing Nazi and goalkeeper for LA Galaxy.

Japanese danger man: Yasuhito Endo. If he is allowed to pass the ball around freely, without the manufactures making any royalties, then Denmark will be in danger of not just going out but of total financial meltdown. He can’t be allowed to ball, or file, share in midfield with Matsui and Honda.

Danish pastry: Daniel Agger. Needs to be on his guard against any illegal activities from Tulio at set pieces. Holding the shirt, stepping on his toes, getting a copy of the new Dizzee Rascal single from Napster.

Prediction: 3-0 Denmark. I will be watching in my authentic Adidas replica shirt, not a fake from Thailand that could bankrupt the industry.

Aragorn, son of Arathorn: King of Gondor, scored 34 goals in 87 appearances for Denmark.

Japanese danger man: Tulio Tanaka. I do not know what strength is in Tulio’s blood, but I swear to you Kvaer will not let the World Cup fall, nor our team fail.

Danish pastry: Jesper Gronkjaer. We will not abandon the World Cup to torment and death. Not while we have strength left. Leave all that can be spared behind. We travel light. Let’s hunt some Japanese.

Prediction: 1-0 Denmark. Hold your ground, hold your ground! Sons of Copenhagen, of Greenland, my brothers! I see in your eyes the same fear that would take the heart of me. A day may come when the courage of Olsen fails, when we forsake our friends and break all bonds of fellowship, but it is not this day. An hour of woes and shattered shin pads, when the age of Hummel comes crashing down! But it is not this day! This day we fight! By all that you hold dear on this good Earth, I bid you stand, Men of Denmark!

A clean sweep for Denmark in the prediction stakes. Can Japan upset the odds and dispatch the Danes? Cross your fingers men of Japan, safe in the knowledge Lego men have no fingers to cross.

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