Posted by: MOIST | June 16, 2010

North Korea 1-2 Brazil

EAiSA Prediction: 0-4 loss for North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea have tonight eliminated Brazil from the 2010 FIFA World Cup!

Thanks to the strongest rearguard action since the Korean People’s Army had their backs to the Yalu River in 1950, the Chollima consistently thwarted the best the capitalist west had to throw at them and, courtesy of a stunning late strike, sent Brazil home in the group stages for the first time in history.

What’s that you say? Brazil won, why are you suggesting they are out, you say? It’s obvious, don’t you see? So obvious in fact that the combined brains of Chiles, Southgate, Vieira and Davids (the UKs ITV channel foreign trivia fans) failed to spot it. That’s how obvious it is.

Let’s examine the facts: Portugal and the Ivory Coast each have a point and, after watching Brazil’s display tonight, both are more than capable of drawing with said awful Brazil side. That leaves attackophobic Brazil with 5 points and a measly goal difference of plus one.

Thus, by a process of simple logic, all Portugal and the Ivory Coast need to do is beat North Korea two nil. They both know exactly what to expect defensively from Kim Jong Il’s finest and, in the case of Ivory Coast, will lump the ball up to Drogba who’ll destroy the Korean defenders or, in Portugal’s case, Ronaldo will keep running at the defence until he falls over in the box enough times.

Now, I’m no mathologist, but it seems cut and dry to me.

Player Match Reports:

If you’ve been unfortunate enough to follow EAiSA you’ll have noticed the previous two player match reports have given detailed, individual, pertinent, reflective and, dare I say it, the most fascinating reviews of the teams using a very, fairly, sort of unique player by player system.

However, having just watched the Heroes from North of the 38th Parallel it seems particularly ridiculous to give individual reports when nine of the twelve players did exactly the same thing.

The Bearers of the Eternal Flame of Football Juche appeared to line up in either a 5-1-2-1-1 or 5-3-1-1 formation. It was sort of hard to tell which it was as all 10 players behind Jong Tae-Se mostly concentrated on their defensive duties. Very, very successfully for 55 minutes it has to be said.

Starting XI:

Ri Myong-Guk: He of defending the gateway to the Motherland fame had very little to do considering who he was up against. 10 shots on target most of which were fairly easy to deal with. Could probably have done better with the first goal but, like most of us, Maicon included, didn’t see it coming.

Cha Jong-Hyok, Ri Jun-Il, Ri Kwang-Chon, Pak Chol-Jin: 4 of the solid back 5. Held a strong line on the edge of the box and dealt with most everything thrown at them. Cha got forward down the right on occasion but these 4 mostly looked concerned if they got near the centre circle.

Ji Yun-Nam: The fifth member of the back five and the goalscorer. Like Cha he got forward when possible and took his goal with style. After collecting Jong Tae-Se’s knock down he glided past a flat footed Lucio and smashed the ball past apparently the best keeper in the world, Julio Cesar.

Pak Nam-Chol, Mun In-Guk, Ahn Young-Hak, Hong Yong-Jo: Buzzed around the midfield like irritating flies either getting in front of their back 5 as Brazil attacked or looking to get wide as they went on the counter. Generally didn’t give the Brazilians enough time on the ball to get their silky skills going and, despite protestations from certain members of EAiSA, kept going for 90 minutes. Harassed and harried but only ever saw 28% of the possession.

Jong Tae-Se: Spent most of the game as a lone striker with Hong YJ seemingly a distance behind him at all times. Was still able to cause the Brazilians all sorts of problems and definitely introduced himself on the world stage in the right way. Balled his eyes out during the national anthem which signals a shift from the People’s Wayne Rooney to the People’s Gazza. Didn’t score as he promised but set up the goal.


Kim Kum-Il (80 mins for Mun In-Guk): Replaced his clubmate and slotted straight into the system.


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