Posted by: MOIST | June 14, 2010

Capitalist Punishment?

Jong Tae-Se thinks he’ll score a goal in every game, the squad contains a striker as a goalie and the North Korean military has threatened to turn Seoul into a sea of flames. So, can the Chollima stun the footballing world and defeat 5 time World Cup winners, Brazil?

To get the information you need before the big kick off, EAiSA have spoken to some of the biggest names in the world of sports and showbiz about the highs of lows of being quinary based.

Booker T: 5 time WCW World Heavyweight Champion and centre midfield for Chicago Fire.

Inside information: I was a 5 time WCW Champion so I know the pressure on Brazil but North Korea are coming into this tournament so raw I can’t imagine any other result than Brazil giving them a complete smackdown. I’m looking forward to watching Kaka dominate the ring and I think Lucio will prove far too strong at the back for the Asian Wayne Rooney.

Player to watch: Robinho. I know he’s had a bad time at Man City but he’ll clothesline this Korean defence.

Prediction: 4-0 to Brazil. An early goal will have North Korea on the ropes and they’ll have tapped out by half-time.

J, Abz, Ritchie, Scott and Sean: Members of low grade 1990s boy band, Five,  and part of the 1986 Poland World Cup squad.

Inside information: J: When we were at the peak of our musical career, I think it was one Thursday in 1996, all we wanted to do was get down, get funky and generally slam dunk our funk. Abz: We can’t imagine Brazil feeling any different. Ritchie: I remember when we released the album 5ive we never thought then Brazil would be so successful.

Player to watch: Scott: I’m looking foward to seeing the number 5. I don’t know what his name is though. Sean: Yeah.

Prediction: All: 5-0!

Jack The Ripper: 5 time prostitute murderer and winner of the 1888 FA Cup with Preston North End.

Inside information: Brazil will gut North Korea from head to toe like the football whores they are. Fabiano will sever the throat of the Korea defence and Kaka in midfield will rip out the Korean abdomens leaving the intestines of Juche lying on the field. I also expect Julio Cesar to be wonderful in goal throughout the tournament.

Player to watch: Felipe Melo lurks in the shadows before decapitating his unsuspecting victims. I respect him for that. He’s also named his child after Gary Lineker who I’ve often thought of gutting like the BBC streetwalker he is.

Prediction: 4-0. An easy win. Like me Brazil won’t be caught.

Looks like all the stars fancy Brazil for the win then. Can’t say I blame them.



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