Posted by: MOIST | June 11, 2010

Time for Swedish Rock!

Yes, folks, it’s the Final Countdown-do-do-do-dooo-do-do-doodoo-dooo! Ahem. Only a few hours until Mexico beat South Africa and destroy the hopes and dreams of a whole nation making this the most melancholy of World Cups. You know, it’s my upbeat outlook that makes me so popular.

Seriously, though, who cares about Group A? Not us here at East Asia in South Africa. Group A is already a hollow shell of the spirit of football thanks to a certain Monsieur Thierry Love Rat Handry. Allegedly. Anyway, if it doesn’t BEG we don’t care. BEG, of course, referring to Groups B, E and G and not a social statement about all the good work we do in the community helping impoverished, homeless and mostly Scottish alcoholics.

So, with the clock ticking down to the big kick off let’s have a look at those other pesky nine teams who stand between Japan, the Koreas and eternal glory. Well, the second round.

Group B

Argentina – All the Ms. Maradona, Messi, Malvinas, Military junta rigging the 1978 World Cup. Supposedly the best team in the group but with Maradona in charge could quite easily lose all 3 games. Sprinkled liberally with some of the best talent in the world but also have Martin Palermo who, at 36, gives hope to all us armchair footballers that a World Cup call-up isn’t far away. Have two players who play for Colon. Teehee.

Greece – Not to be outdone by the presence of Martin Palermo, Greece have decided to give the finger to deceny and poke the spirit of humanity in the eye by including Georgios Samaras in the squad. Allegedly a striker his lack of football ability is only bettered by his seeming inability to give his hair a good wash. Chock full of players who sound like idyllic holiday destinations, they were Euro 2004 champions under the leadership of ex-Leicester City player and, by dint of that, superstar, Theo Zagarakis.

Nigeria – The Super Eagles don’t seem so super anymore with many of their fans predicting an early exit. However, the team still has some quality players, especially up front where Yakubu and 56 yr old Obafemi Martins can cause the best defences problems. Until the Antiques Roadshow comes on TV and Martins has a little sit down and a nice cup of tea before a quick 40 winks. With Kanu in midfield Nigeria have an average age of 63 which entitles the entire squad to free bus travel.

Group E

Cameroon – The Indomitable Lions have come along way since 8 of their players set the world alight in 1990 by trying to systematically rip Claudio Canniggia limb from limb. Rigobert Song is back for his 12th World Cup having first appeared in 1954 and he still isn’t as old as Roger Milla was in 1990. Coming off the back of a poor African Cup of Nations and a tough qualifying campaign they are relying heavily on Samuel Eto’o to bag the needed goals.

Denmark – If ‘relying on’ and ‘Bendtner’ are ever seen in the same sentence then Denmark are in whole heap of trouble. Not to be underestimated, though, they qualified ahead of Sweden and Portugal and have a nice mix of Germanic efficiency and hot Scandinavian women. Probably. Best loved for some stunning Hummel kits throughout the 80s and 90s and beating the Germans in Euro 92 they’re always a good bet for the neutral or the casual Carlsberg drinker.

Netherlands – Perennial bottlers, constantly racked with infighting the Dutch are the team everyone always wants to win and never do. With their lax views on drugs and prostitution it’s hard to hate the plucky Oranje although with a political undercurrent of rising nationalism maybe it’s about time we did. Should stroll through the group stages with some beautiful flowing football, destroy their opponents in the second round, much to the orgasmic delights of commentators around the world ,before being dumped out in the quater finals by a team that kicks them. Really hard.

Group G

Brazil – What is there to say about Brazil that hasn’t already been said over and over again? Iconic kit, 5 times World Champions, a former striker with a penchant for ladyboys. It’s all been covered. Superstars in every position, midfielders who belong to Jesus, a former striker with a penchant for ladyboys, they have all the attributes to win a 6th title. Wouldn’t it be funny if they went out in the group stages? Probably not for the 16 million or so fans who’ll top themselves.

Ivory Coast – The only country in the World Cup named after an item of clothing the Coat d’Ivorie could be hampered by elbow knack to ace goalscorer, huge crybaby and all round cheat, Didier Drogba. To say that they are a one man team, though, is a bit unfair as they have a number of quality players who ply their trade across the best leagues in Europe. And Emmanuel Eboue.

Portugal – Portugal’s defence showed it’s true class during qualifying and warm up games by holding Estonia, Albania and Cape Verde to 0-0 draws. Certainly something to build on. Having watched the Golden Generation fail to win anything on the international stage, Portuguese fans can now sit back and enjoy more of the same but this time with added diving, whinging, winking, preening, hair gel and abdomen muscles thanks to the second coming of C(h)ristiano Ronaldo. Not to be confused with the former Brazil striker who has a penchant for ladyboys.



  1. Very insightfull

  2. Big kick of for the men from the Land of the Morning Calm tonight. I’m getting excited and hoping for an early boost for East Asia. But probably it’ll be a bore draw. That’s G 0-0 K pun fans.

    I’m off to Seoul for a week tomorrow. Will watch the Argentina game in the open air

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